Monday, December 24, 2007

2008 Sports Predictions Sure to Go Wrong

Predictions are for idiots. Thus I will only state what will occur in 2008.

But first lets recap the depressing sports year that was 2007. We saw Michael Vick become Public Enemy #1 for PETA. We saw Rickey Williams not smoking pot long enough to return to the Dolphins for 1 quarter. We had an NBA referee, Tim Donaghy, embroiled in a scandal worse than the ending to the Sopranos. Who had all those things happening in 2007 in the office pool?

So in a world where so called "experts" spew at the mouth with nonsensical predictions on shows such as "Around the Horn" and "PTI", I figure I'll give it shot to make inaccurate and bold predictions. I'll call myself an "expert" today just like Mike & the Mad Dog and predict exactly what will happen in the world of sports in 2008.

Warning: this prediction column might collapse worse the 2007 New York Mets.

-The Miami Dolphins select Nick Saban with the number 1 overall draft pick in April. This causes Dolphins fans to protest the '08 season making this year's 3rd worst home attendance average strive for dead last.

-NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will allow the return of Titans CB Pacman Jones on one condition: He makes it rain at least once a month in the Commish's office. Bring your dollar bills!

-Kobe Bryant decides to do "Dancing with the Stars" on one stipulation: He, and he alone, will decide to trade or cut the other contestants.

-OJ Simpson gets arrested. OK, so this one will probably come true.

-Boston will not win every Championship or Title known to man. Just look at 2007, they lost the MLS Cup to Houston. Serves them right.

-Tony Romo will lead the Cowboys to the NFC Championship over the Packers in Texas Stadium in front of girlfriend Jessica Simpson. She will them proceed to ask, "Are the Cowboys the team in the blue, or the team in green and yellow?"

-Roger Clemens will deny ever taking steroids. I will then believe him just like I believed him when he said he was retiring (x3).

-The Ottawa Senators will win the Stanley Cup. Oh wait, this is a sports column. Scratch that.

-The pronunciation of new Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome's last name will be held responsible for the suspension of 5 little Cub fans in Chicago area middle schools.

-After much trade talk, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb will stay put in Philadelphia citing, "I owe it to all the Eagles fans, who have booed me since day 1."

-There will be a major upset at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest on July 4th. 2007 Champion Joey Chestnut will lose to 3 new entries to competitive eating: Eddie Curry, Miguel Cabrera, and Livan Hernandez.

-After NC State pulls off an upset over Duke in Cameron Indoor Stadium, the Cameron Crazies begin to chant toward the NC State fans, "Its alright. Its OK. Some day you will be working for me."

-To avoid an embarrassing loss in week 1, new Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez schedules the Illinois School for the Blind. Michigan loses on a last second blocked punt.

-In something never before seen, every underclassmen decides to head back to school instead of risking being drafted by the New York Knicks.

-While in a New York City strip club, Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez runs out of singles. He tells reporters afterwards, "I used them all up during the last 3 playoffs."

-In what is seen as an upgrade, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman signs a TV deal with ESPN 8.

-After the Patriots win the Super Bowl, Bill Bellichick and the Patriots head to the White House to present President Bush with a commemorative Hoodie.

-While in prison, Michael Vick is denied conjugal visits after attempting to sign in as Ron Mexico.

-Boston GM Theo Epstein and CEO Larry Lucchino decide once and for all that the New York Yankees are no longer the Evil Empire. In fact, when they look in the mirror the words Evil Empire are reflected.

-It is reported that LA Galaxy midfielder David Beckham's ankle is almost getting to 65% recovered.

-Actor Omar Epps decides to coach the Pittsburgh Steelers for one game. No one notices. But when Pittsburgh Head Coach Mike Tomlin fills in on an episode of "House", production comes to a screeching halt when House refuses to operate on an injured Ben Roethlisberger.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Ideas for Roger Clemens

Who would you rather be today, Roger Clemens with his Hall of Fame resume yet a possible steroid link bigger than the size of Bonds head or Jamie Lynn Spears?

OK so forget I asked that question.

Roger Clemens has been accused in the Mitchell Report of using steroids and Human growth Hormone. Clemens vehemently denies this making 2 unconvincing statements through his attorney. But let's pretend for a minute that these allegations are 100% true. After all, former Yankees trainer Brian McNamee did swear under oath to the FBI that he was telling the truth.

Clemens has handled this situation worse than Kramer handled those hecklers at his stand up in LA. But Roger is 45 so maybe he needs some help in how to repair his tarnished legacy right now. After all, he is only 5 years away from getting his AARP card.

First off, let me say that yes, I am a NY Yankee fan. Please don't vandalize my car for this. But I am one of those realistic fans. I don't claim to think the Yankees are the greatest just because I am some Guido from the Bronx (Sorry cousin Tony) who doesn't know any better. Actually, I think there should be a salary cap to restore some competitive balance to America's past time but that's a whole nother column.

So here the 3 possibilities that Mr. 5 Hour Workouts, 5 Days a Week has:

1. If Roger Clemens is truly innocent, then he should sue. After all, that is the American way. He should sue MLB and the Mitchell Report. All of his dirty laundry will be aired in court so he better only sue if he is 100% completely clean. After looking side by side at Roger in 1986 and in 2005, you tell me if he's clean:

Does anyone not on steroids grow like this?

2. Clemens should come out and deny the steroid allegations directly. He should hold a press conference where he answers questions and looks people in the eyes while he attempts to tell the truth. What a novel idea.

or Clemens can choose suggestion number 3. Admit you used steroids. The court of public opinion has already convicted him and his 7 Cy Young's are already taken. Man up and admit it, not Jason Giambi style though. Come out and tell us, "Yes, I used steroids and HGH." and don't give me a half apology like Andy Pettite did. You will only be insulting baseball fans intelligence.

I have one more suggestion for Clemens. If he is eventually found guilty, I say we take his nickname away too. I mean, after all the real "Rocket" is Chet Steadman and after watching Rookie of the Year, we all know he definitely was not on steroids.

A very Serious Introduction

"Hi, my name is Mike and I am addicted to sports. There, that feels better."

Welcome to my blog. This a sports related blog (what gave that away?) where I will proceed to ramble on and on about the saga that is professional sports. I will delve into the history of the 1906 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs (just kidding, but I kinda wanted to see what Chicago Cubs and Champion looked like the same sentence). I will attempt to prove that Matt Millen is competent and that hockey may or may not be real. Some serious investigation on both will be required. I will be offering useless predictions like Michael Vick will make two All-Prison teams for his outstanding work in cell block C. and the number of times John Madden says Brett Favre in a given season: 110,964. Some serious talk will happen from time to time like discussing OJ Simpson, the '07 Dolphins or Drew Bledsoe's scrambling ability. And then there is my favorite topic to talk about: MLB and the mighty fine work of one Allen H. (Bud) Selig and how he has dealt more blows to baseball in the past decade than your average porn actress.

Now that you know what this blog has no directional and from time to time may be satirical, let me tell you about myself. I am a 24 year old sports fanatic currently residing at the Jersey Shore. Well, that pretty much ends that.

My favorite things in sports right now are the NY Football Giants, Isiah Thomas (comedy at its finest), the ever captivating BCS playoffs, and the potential for HankenStein running the Yankees into the ground.

So sit back, enjoy the ride, and lets talk some sports. Maybe I will even hire George Mitchell do do some my research for me.

Now, if only I can remember where I placed Kirk Radomski's phone number...