Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Santana traded and Headlines...

Wrong Santana Traded: Mets GM accidentally trades for Carlos

Flushing, New York - (AP News) The good news for Mets fans is they traded for a pitcher named Santana. The bad news is GM Omar Minaya traded for rock legend Carlos Santana instead of 2 time Cy Young winner Johan.

The Mets front office is citing Omar's love of mexican inspired acoustic guitar solo's as the top reason for acquiring the aging rockstar. They considered trading for Johan, who posseses the best changeup in the game, but instead settled on Carlos, who claims he once struck out Air Supply's bassist in 1982 on a nasty back door curve.

Although Santana turns 61 during the season, the Mets are hoping he can be a top of the rotation pitcher. If his recent workouts are any indication, the Mets are in trouble. His fastball was clocked in the low thirties as well as not knowing what a slider is.

Scott Boras, Santana's agent, could not be immediately reached for comment. He did, however, release a statement saying, "Mr. Santana is currently on the road touring with Fleetwood Mac. He will be in Florida when the picthers and catchers report to Spring Training in February. When asked about Santana's contract, Boras replied," It is incentive laden based upon the success of his collobartion with Mr. Met on the new Mets jingle. 'Meet Los Mets, Greet Los Mets, Step right up and Watch Santana get Lit.'

Santana will also take his signature sound of his PRS guitar that is connected to a Mu-Tron wah wah pedal and a T-Rex Replica delay pedal and perform the 7th Inning Stretch with Mr. Met on a nightly basis.

Headlines

Roger Clemens meets with Investigators, Denies ever pitching

Santana in a Mets uniform means he's going to start out strong and choke down the stretch

Tom Brady calls Curt Schilling to ask how to deal with playoff media talk about an ankle

David Stern demotes Knicks to D-League, Marbury still not best PG in league

Bruins apologize to city of Boston for not being good

Here go the French again trying to stop online betting of the French open. Maybe they can win one war?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Harrison Doubtful for SB XLII; HGH to start at Safety

Glendale, Arizona - (Associated Press) Bill Belichick has downgraded strong safety Rodney Harrison to doubtful for Sunday's Super Bowl against the New York Giants. Harrison was scheduled to play in his 5th Super Bowl, however, the injury caught up with the 14 year veteran.
"It's disappointing to work this hard the whole season, take all of the right supplements, and then not be able to suit up for the biggest game this year" said a dejected Harrison. "If only there was a way for me to get a competitive edge, recover quicker, and be able to play. I feel like I am letting my teammates down."

Harrison has been a key component of New England's 8th ranked defense this year. From his freakishly bone crushing tackles to his aggressive in-your-face trash-talking, Harrison has become an elite safety at the NFL old age of 35. In fact Harrison is a shoe-in to make the pro bowl this year, following in the footsteps of Shawn Merriman.

Harrison is such a revered Patriot that the team was going to add a C on the front of his jersey to stand for captain. However, in an unexpected move the Patriots have instead opted for having Harris*n added to the back of his jersey.

So how has Harrison been able to stay so good for so long? Today, he was asked that question at the Super Bowl's Media Day:

Peter King, Sports Illustrated: "Rodney, Any particular reason you have been able to have such a long career?"
Harrison: "I am not here to talk about the past. Only this Sundays game against the Giants."
King: "Followup question, How far can you pull a tractor with your teeth?

Taking Harrison's place will be veteran safety Human-Growth Hormone. Hormone is a 2 sport star who most recently played baseball for the San Fransisco Giants.

Monday, January 28, 2008

CHAMPs: College Hoops Awards and Midseason Prizes

With conference play half over in men's college basketball, the standings are starting to take shape. Memphis is the overall number 1 and leading Conference USA with a perfect 19-0 record. Kansas is atop the Big 12 followed by Kansas State, Duke is on top in the ACC with Virginia sitting in the cellar, and Lamar is in first place in the Southland.

Some things have gone as predicted like North Carolina dominating teams in route to an 19-1 record as well as NJIT getting dominated in route to an 0-21 record. Other things have been a complete surprise like Baylor being 4-1 in the Big 12 and USC Upstate being a division 1 school. Who?

But expectations and surprises aside, its time to dish out the first annual CHAMPs, College Hoops Awards and Midseason Prizes. As Dicky V would say, these guys are PTPers, they are super, scintillating, sensational. Lets get to it before Dicky V has to have another throat surgery. What? Too soon?

(drum roll please)

Norris Divison award for "Worst Conference name change":
Winner: Summit Conference (formerly Mid Continent Conference). The league wanted to get rid of the mediocre connotation of the word "mid." So why not rename it the "Just Passing Thru Conference" since noone wants to stay in the conference anyway. Or possibly the "Lost Continent Conference"

Micky Mantle's Liver award for "best use of a body part in college basketball":
Winner: Wyoming and New Mexico. These two teams brawled under the basket in a Mountian West game this year. That is the about the only relevant thing that has come out of New Mexico
basketball since Reggie Theus starred in Hang Time.

Diaper Dandy award for "best freshman who should be playing in the NBA right now":
Winners: Tie between Eric Gordon and OJ Mayo. Actually, if you listen to the ESPN college hoops experts, it should be Gordon, Mayo, Derek Rose, Michael Beasley, Kevin Love, James Anderson, Jarryd Bayless, Johnny Flynn, Kyle Singler, Nick Calathes, DeAndre Jordan, Donte Green, and Anthony Randolph. As usual way to go out on a limb ESPN experts.

George W. Bush award for "Worst coached team by someone who has no business being in charge":
Winner: Sean Sutton. This award would normally go to Herm Edwards, Norv Turner, and Art Shell but since this is a college basketball column, the award goes to Sutton. Just because your dad coached forever, got drunk, and handed you the team doesnt mean you know how to coach. Just look at the Cowboys this year: 1-4 in the Big 12 right above basketball powerhouse Nebraska and tied with perennial Final Four contender Colorado.

Bob Knight Lifetime achievement Award for "Coach who is staying around just to stock pile wins":
Winner: Eddie Sutton. He goes from having the court named after him at the legendary Gallagher-Iba Arena at Oklahoma State to trying to win 2 games at the University of San Francisco. Once Bill Russell graduated, I thought they cancelled the program. Way to join a relevant team Sutton.

Gerry McNamara/Eric Devendorf Award for "best white guy who thinks he's black":
Winner: Kevin Love. Just check out the K Fed chinstrap beard. Enough said.

Brutus the Buckeye Mascot award for "best mascot":
Winner: Keggy the Keg (Dartmouth College). This unofficial replacement for the un-PC Indian has been pumping up crowds since the fall of 2003. Social!

TCU Horned Frogs award for "best nickname":
Winner: Scrotie (Rhode Island School of Design). You have to be kind of a dick to become the head cheerleader for the RISD hockey team, known as the Nads.

Arnold Schwarzenegger alongside Danny Devito in Twins award for "tallest, yet most awkward performance":
Winner: 7ft 7 inch, 360 pound Kenny George from UNC-Asheville. When the Bulldogs played the UNC Tar Heels, George made opposing center Tyler Hansbrough look like a kid from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. However, George was no Rick Moranis as Hansbrough put up 23 points and even dunked on the big fella.

Ryan Leaf award "for most over hyped player or team":
Winner: Ryan Leaf. He would always win this category no matter the sport. But in college basketball this year I'll give it to Southern Illinios. They were preseason ranked #24. Now they are 10-10 and sitting in 5Th place in the Missouri Valley. Indiana State is ahead of them and I challenge you to name one, just one, player on ISU since Larry Bird graduated in 1979. My point exactly.

Shaquille O'Neal free throwing award for "lack of ability to put the ball in the basket":
Winner: St. Louis Billikens. Rick Majerus' squad scored an even 20 points in an Atlantic 10 game against George Washington. Majerus eats more burgers in one sitting than the Billikens scored in the first half (That's 7 for everyone keeping track at home). Majerus is not to be outdone size wise by Kansas Football Coach Ralph Mangino. My guess is Mangino has gotten kicked out of a buffet once or forty seven times in his life.

SEC in football award for "best conference":
Winner: Pac 10. There are absolutely no easy games in that conference besides Oregon State. And by easy games, I mean cupcakes. And by cupcakes, I mean vanilla frosted. (Insert Mangino/cupcakes joke here and check out photo)
God Shamgod award for "best name":
1st Winner: Rider University - Willie Dingle. Why? because it's not polite to show your Willie Dingle in public.
2nd Winner: Elon University- Chris Porn. Why? because this guy knows all to well how to use his Willie Dingle.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Despite Rumors, NHL Insists it Still Exists

New York, NY - (Reuters) The National Hockey League is still in existence. In fact it plays games nightly between October and May. This may be news to even the most dedicated sports fan.

However, after the players strike cancelled the entire 2004 season, the remaining four fans swore off their beloved hobby. "Hockey has brought many great memories to me. Unfortunately, they stabbed me in the back in '04 worse than prescription pills did to Heath Ledger. What? Too Soon?" says longtime NY Islander fan Mike Palermo.

Despite what some fans may think, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman still believes hockey can be successful south of the Canadian border. "Hockey is the eleventh most popular sport in America right behind paper football and shuffleboard."

A recent poll in ESPN the Magazine revealed that 74% of fans could not name the more than 1 player on their local hockey team. An astounding 87% did not know who won the Stanley Cup last year. These disheartening poll results have bothered Bettman. "Hockey is a blue collar sport" he said "Not everyone is going to like it. But if only 13% of the country knows the San Jose Sharks won the Cup last year then something is wrong. Wait, scratch that. The Anaheim Ducks won. I mean the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. Wait, do they still go by that."

The New York Times recently conducted an investigation to shed some light on if in fact hockey games are still being played. The Times has found newspaper clippings with actual box scores and even a few pictures of a games between played between competing players holding sticks and fully equipped with pads and matching uniforms. In fact one team even had some players not shave to give them that tough grizzly looking playoff beard that we were all accustomed to in the 1980s.

In the Times investigation it was even revealed that the NHL will host an "All-Star Weekend complete with a skills competition." That is a very risky proposition considering most people don't even know that the NHL is televised. "After ESPN, NBC, FOX, CBS, and ABC turned us down, we settled for a contract with the VS. network. Yeah, I've never heard of it either." said a shameful Bettman. "At least we are on TV. That is more than can be said about collegiate wheelchair high jumping"

So despite all the rumors, hockey apparently still does exist.Take that collegiate wheelchair high jumping.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Kobe Bryant has Surgery, Arrogance Removed

Los Angeles, CA - (AP News Wire) On Tuesday, Los Angeles Lakers SG Kobe Bryant had successful arthroscopic surgery to remove his arrogance. This never before attempted surgery came at the request of his fellow NBA players, all 437 of them.

The procedure was done at UCLA Medical Center by Dr. Robert Nelson, Chief of Surgery. "The procedure took an extremely long time since the arrogance in question had grown to a size we in the medical field had never seen before. It took over 23 hours and 3 surgeons to completely remove every aspect of Mr. Bryant's arrogance."


But the surgery came with some setbacks for the hospital staff. Head Nurse Amy Ward suffered a mild heart attack after watching Bryant get wheeled into the OR. Doctors think she must have caught a glimpse of that chilling 'I'm so much more superior than you' smirk right after Kobe drives baseline for his 56Th and 57Th points of the evening. Nelson said, "We've all seen that look ad nauseam when the Kobe's play the Knicks or any other team for that matter. When its 1 on 5 every night, Kobe is always smirking."

The surgery came just days after Bryant gave an interview with Sports Illustrated in which he told SI senior writer Marty Burns "I would never have any type of surgery. I don't need surgery. I am better than surgery. I could shoot 27 of 48 from floor against surgery every night of the week. I am so good that when I drop 70 points my friends then ask me for help in the stock market. I also speak fluent German which works wonders in the night clubs in LA. And did I mention I can act, write (of course only in third person), sing, and play the trumpet? You know - Kobe is the most talented person on this earth."

So where does this surgery leave Bryant? Lakers team doctor, Steve Lombardo, says Bryant will miss only 12 minutes of tonight's pregame shoot around because of his immune system's amazing ability to quickly recover like Bryant's ability to guard opposing guards.

Will Bryant be back to 100% by the start of tonight's game against the Clippers? "Mr. Bryant should show no adverse side effects from the surgery" said Nelson "The only thing that may be effected is his showboating skills as well as his cockiness. This may lead to boring post game interviews featuring played out cliches and actual affection for teammates."

Or, heaven forbid, maybe an actual assist or two during a game.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Let the Good Tynes Roll

As a New York Giant fan, I can safely say I suffered 12 heart attacks and 1 stroke in the 4Th quarter of their 23-20 upset win over Green Bay in the NFC Championship game. But thanks to a 47 yard field goal in OT by Lawrence Third Tynes a Charm and no turnovers for a third straight postseason game by Super Mann II, the Giants are headed to their 4Th Super Bowl in team history.

The early line on Super Bowl XLII has Big Blue as a 12 point underdog. But as long as every "expert" continues to pick against the Fighting Coughlins, they may just have a shot to pull an upset for the ages. Especially since they have become America's Team. Imagine a New York sports franchise as America's Team. Quick, name the last New York contender that the nation actually rooted for? The '69 Jets? The '69 Mets?

So how does the Giants staff go about game planning to pull an upset over the 18-0 Patriots? Simple. They take my advice on my "5 steps to beat the Patriots" that I am about to give. (PS - since my team is in the Super Bowl, I am actually taking this column seriously for a change and providing knowledgeable football insight for the Giants. Mr. Mara and Mr. Tisch, please send Tom Coughlin's game check to my house this week. Thanks)

1. Pressure Tom Brady - Brady has been hobbling around NYC this week in a walking boot. If the Giants front 4 can knock him down, hurry him, or even sack him without having to blitz on 1st and 2ND downs, this will help the injured and old secondary to not have to cover the receivers for as long. If Strahan, Osi, Tuck, and Co. can force Brady to move out of the pocket they will have a chance to bring him down since he self describes himself as "slower than molasses". Using defensive coordinator Steve Spagnolo's cleverly designed blitz schemes on 3rd and long situations will also hurry Brady's decision making in the pocket. The Giants don't necessarily even need to sack Brady once. They never got to Brett Favre. However, their well timed blitz packages confused him enough and also took away his underneath passes. Brady loves to throw short to Kevin Faulk and set up screens to Wes Welker.

2. Keep the Ground Game Moving - The Giants need to establish a running game just like they have done all postseason. This will keep their defense on the sidelines resting but more importantly keep the juggernaut Patriots offense off the field. They need to have a similar approach like they did against the Packers where they ran the ball 39 times and passed 40. Handing the ball off to a bruising back like Brandon Jacobs in the first half could slow down and tire out a aging Patriots defense just in time for the second half where rookie Ahmad Bradshaw's elusive, cut back style can lead to long runs.

3. Win the Special Teams Battle - This game will not be a defensive, field position battle. However, the only way the Giants have a chance is to keep the score as low as possible because they can't afford to get into a shootout with Brady and Company. With that being said, Giants KR Domenik Hixon, P Jeff Feagles, and K Lawrence "His Tynes to Shine" (OK, i promise that was the last one) will all play a key role. The Giants need long kick returns from Hixon to give Manning a short field to work with. Pinning the Patriots deep in their own territory is Feagles expertise and Tynes needs to not be 3/5 on field goal attempts this week. Not only does he need to be perfect, but the Giants do not even want him attempting 1 field goal kick this week. They need TD's.

4. Blanket Moss - The Giants have been using players fresh off the practice squad this season in their secondary. They need whoever is suiting up this week to double cover Moss and keep him quiet. Playing a Cover 2 will not get the job done. Neither will one on one with Moss. The Giants DB's need to jam Moss off the line or he will be run deep posts and stop and go's all night long.

5. Pray - The Giants need to pray to the football gods that every break go their way. Whether it be a key 3rd down penalty on the Patriots to keep a Giant drive alive or Brady throwing an unheard of 4 picks. The Giants have to hope for some benefits of the whistle in their favor a time or two. If all the breaks go their way, the Giants may have a slight chance in upsetting the Patriots. Either that or they can pray the Patriots team bus gets lost on the way to the game.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Former Player still having name troubles

Detriot - MI (AP) With a last name many people feel is only an alternate spelling of the vulgar term used for a woman’s vagina, or, the “c” word, Pittsburgh Pirates roving instructor Rusty Kuntz continues to grind out a meager existence in professional baseball. Kuntz, whose last name is pronounced with an "oo" sound, has taken a more than generous share of abuse over the years from friends, in-laws, teammates, opponents, coaches, and fans.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much everybody,” said the one-time eleventh round draft pick from 1977. “I get my balls busted like my last name was “pussy” “snatch” or “cooter” but it’s not, it’s Kuntz. PA announcers in the minors flubbed it up constantly. I’d see parents holding their hands over their kids ears when I walked up to the plate. You think I wanted this?”

Kuntz, who is of German heritage, continually corrects people who mistakenly mispronounce his name. “My real first name is Russell, but early on Rusty stuck for some reason - Rusty Kuntz,” Kuntz groaned. “Go ahead, make up your own jokes. I’ve heard ’em all. ‘Rusty Kuntz? Sounds like a group of old hookers who never get laid.’ I’ve heard that one a thousand times.”

Former major league journeyman outfielder from the 1930s Johnny Dickshot, who was born and died in Waukegan, Illinois understood first hand how difficult having an unfortunate moniker could be. “Nobody who had a goofy name never did nothin’,” Dickshot said in a 1997 interview shortly before his death. “You take this Kuntz fella. The second I saw him come up I said to myself, ‘that boy’s in for a whole heap of shit. He’s on the bench for sure.’” In 1985, Hustler magazine offered Kuntz and Dickshot $50,000 each to pose side by side in their uniforms looking back over their shoulders with their names visible. Both men declined the offer.

Kuntz still hears incorrect pronunciations of his name from time to time. “I see him at spring training once in a while,” said former Pirates outfielder Al Martin who still has friends within the organization. “Or every now and then some drunken forty-two year old slob will come down to fantasy camp and scream ‘Hey bro, how do you pronounce your name?’”

The question begs to asked – why didn’t Kuntz change his name once it became evident he was going to make the majors? “It’s just never dawned on me I guess,” Kuntz said. “I figured the severe beatings and abuse I took growing up from guys in the neighborhood as well as certain family members and the clergy would just suddenly stop when I became an adult. I guess that same level of reasoning had me swinging 3-0 on pitches low and away when we were down by four runs with the bases loaded with nobody out in the eighth inning.”

NFL's Coldest Games

When the Giants and Packers take the field Sunday night in Green Bay to play the NFC Championship game, the temperature is supposed to be 6 degrees with a wind chill below 0. You can bet there will be a few shirtless Packers fans.

But this is not going to be the coldest game ever played in the NFL. In fact, this wouldn't even crack the top 10.

So get your hot chocolate ready and put on an extra pair of long johns as I will countdown the 5 most bone chilling football games in NFL history.

5. Dec. 3, 1972 - Metropolitan Stadium - Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears - Temperature: -2 degrees / Wind chill: -26 degrees.
Apparently only having a -26 wind chill will get you in last place on this countdown. minus freakin 26 degrees!

4. Jan. 4, 1981 - Cleveland Municipal Stadium - AFC playoff: Cleveland Browns vs. Oakland Raiders - Temperature: -5 degrees / Wind chill -27 degrees.
Well at least the city of Cleveland can celebrate this playoff loss in the cold because they actually made the playoffs in 1981. Just wait Cleveland til 1987...

3. Jan. 7, 1996 - Arrowhead Stadium - AFC playoff: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Indianapolis Colts - Temperature: -6 degrees
Indianapolis won this game 10-7. This game was a field position, defense controlled game. This reaks of a Herm Edwards coached game where he mismanages the clock in the final 2 minutes and blows a chance for a winning TD or tying field goal.

2. Jan. 10, 1982 - Riverfront Stadium - AFC Championship game: Cincinnati Bengals vs. San Diego Chargers - Temperature: -9 degrees / Wind chill: -59 degrees.
This game earned the nickname the Freezer Bowl. Cincinnati's offensive line decided to remain sleeveless, rubbing Vaseline on their arms to limit the numbness. What kind of delusional psycho are you when you wear short sleeves in -59 degree weather?

1. Dec. 31, 1967 - Lambeau Field - "The Ice Bowl" / NFL Championship Green Bay Packers vs. Dallas Cowboys - Temperature: -13 degrees / Wind chill: - 48 degrees
This is how cold it was at Lambeau that day: As the referee blew his metal whistle to signal the start of play, it froze to his lips. And to this day Green Bay QB Bart Starr still claims to suffer occasional mild effects of the frostbite he developed that day.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Cry Me a River. No, Not You Timberlake.

Today's edition of my my blog will devoted to the rules of crying in sports. Or as I like to call them, the Dick Vermeil's. Let get started.

Section 1, Articles I-V, No Crying Allowed:

I. You cannot cry before the game is over. We'll call this the Morrison Rule. Thanks to Adam and also to Derek Fischer this rule has to even be explained. Both cried before, that's right before, their teams got eliminated in the Sweet Sixteen and NBA playoffs, respectively.

II. Don't over cry. This encompasses Brett Favre and Dick Vermeil. Seriously, how many times are you guys going to cry? Lets call this one the Tears on Every Other Tuesday and Thursday but Excluding Weekends but Not During Interviews Rule.

III. Don't cry over playing time. Under no reason should any athlete cry over their lack of playing time. First off, you get paid too much money. You should be happy you are not flipping hamburgers at McDonald's making $7/hour. Second, if you are not good enough to garner minutes in the 4Th quarter or late innings, then stop crying and getting into the gym/field/diamond and practice to make yourself better. We shall call this the Andrei Kirilenko Rule.

IV. No crying during practice. If your coach makes you run 10 miles after eating 15 Big Macs while smoking a pack of Marlboro's, suck it up. I'm sure its just tough love from your coach.

V. Don't cry at a press conference where you are apologizing to your wife for cheating on her. If you even feel the need to call a press conference for this, you have a problem or your name is Kobe Bryant. Lets call this the Shaq's Revenge Rule.

Section 2, Paragraph 1, Crying from an Injury.

I. This one is tough because I would cry like a infant if a 300-pound defensive end even talked to me let alone tackled me. So I give athletes some leeway here. However, some athletes are tougher than others. Kevin Everett, Mike Utley, and a few other NFL Players have been paralyzed while playing. Did they cry? No. Shaun Livingston had his knee and leg break and become a souvenir for a kid in section 130. He held it together. Therefore, if you are a professional athlete, don't cry in public view. At least wait till the cart or stretcher drops you off in the trainers room.

Section 3, Row 2, Seat 3B, Tears of Joy.

I. Crying after you win a championship ala Michael Jordan. This is acceptable because the athlete worked so hard to get to the top of his profession. All the long hours spent perfecting his craft and it finally paid off in the form of a championship. Or in Jordan's case, crying because he realized his Robin, Scottie Pippen, would make him work extra tough to single handily win those next 5 titles.

II. Crying on the field after a family member died. I have nothing funny to say about this except what Brett Favre did the night after his father died was legendary. He torched the Raiders for 399 yards and four td's. Raider Nation even applauded him. Gosh, I feel like John Madden after that.

III. Crying after your team wins a game. Thomas Hill jumped about 15 feet in the air after Christian Laettner sunk a turnaround 15 footer to beat Kentucky in the 1992 NCAA Tournament. Hill also sported the ugliest crying face sports has ever seen.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

5 Best Criers in Sports

Terrell Owens sunglasses couldn't hide his tears during his post game press conference. After being the first NFC #1 seed to loss at home in the Divisional Round, Terrell Owens wept like a little schoolgirl in defense of his quarterback, Tony Romo.

But where do TO's "tears of shame" rank on the scale of crying in professional sports? As Tom Hanks character Jimmy Dugan once said in the movie A League of Their Own, "There's no crying in baseball." Jimmy would not be too pleased with these tear flowing individuals.

5. Adam Morrison - After losing to UCLA in the 2006 Sweet Sixteen, Morrison openly cried on the Oakland Colisuem's floor with 2 seconds left on the clock. Originally, I thought he was crying because he cared so much about the game. Turns out he realized his career had just peaked.

4. Mark Messier - Mess was a mess when it came time to have his number 11 sweater retired at Madison Square Garden in January of 2006. In what was supposed to be a quick ceremony before the game turned out to be a 77 minute celebration filled with more cheers and tears than an episode of Dr. Phil.
3. Wayne Gretzky- The Great One shed a few tears during his 1988 press conference in which he announced that he had been traded to the Los Angeles Kings. Later, it was reported that Gretzky was crying not because he would miss Edmonton, but because it was then that he realized he was a hockey player.

2. Kobe Cryant - Fans saw Kobe cry at his infamous press conference with his wife after being found innocent of raping a girl in Colorado. Fans got to see the softer, compassionate side of Bryant as he admitted his mistakes and begged for forgiveness. But what he really was crying about was the sight of the receipt for a $4 million purple diamond ring to his wife in order for her to forgive him. If thats how things work, someone tell Jim Dolan to mail $4 million to all Knicks fans for enduring the Isiah Thomas Era.

1. Dick Vermeil - When is Dick Vermeil not crying? When he gives routine pregame speeches? Check. When he is giving victory speeches? Check. When he retired from coaching on New Year's Day 2006? Check. When he realized Kurt Warner was his trusted quarterback. Check.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

NFL Playoffs update

The Patriots and Jaguars divisional game just finished with the final score Patriots 913 - Jaguars 0.

OK, so I made that score up, but it sure felt that way. Tom Brady was more on then *NSYNC circa 1999. He carved up the Jaguars defense like he was playing Ohio State in a BCS Championship game.

The Patriots are making the rest of the NFL look silly. They are simply too good. And that last sentence comes from a man who hates everything about Boston, from the Red Sox to their clam chowda. However, I do have respect for them. They are easily the best pro team, any sport, that I have ever seen. They are to football what Mr. Belvedere was too butlering: perfection.

I am convinced that if you put the Patriots on the same field vs. a team full of Jesus' at every position, I'm afraid Mr. Christ would have no shot. Not against Tom Brady, illegitimate child bearer #1; Randy Moss, "I use marijuana"; and Captain Video, Bill Belichick.

As much as it pains me to say, the Patriots are like Brett Hart: The best their is, the best there was, and the best their ever will be. Oh yeah, I just went all WWE on your ass. or is it WWF?

Quick report on the other side of the playoffs. Brett Favre is pretty good. This much any football fan that hasn't been fully drunk for the last 15 years could tell you. But if you ask John Madden how good Brett Favre was in tonight's 42-20 victory over the Seahawks he would tell you he was amazing. In fact Madden is so far up Favre's ass he could tell you what Brett had for dinner tonight (for the record, the roast duck with the mango salsa).

Quick predictions for the two games on Sunday:

Peyton Manning audibles 362 times at the line of scrimmage just so he can watch himself on the Jumbotron in another crappy, useless commercial about a credit card. Colts win 31-24.

Eli Manning shows up to the game. Giants lose 42-21.