Monday, January 28, 2008

CHAMPs: College Hoops Awards and Midseason Prizes

With conference play half over in men's college basketball, the standings are starting to take shape. Memphis is the overall number 1 and leading Conference USA with a perfect 19-0 record. Kansas is atop the Big 12 followed by Kansas State, Duke is on top in the ACC with Virginia sitting in the cellar, and Lamar is in first place in the Southland.

Some things have gone as predicted like North Carolina dominating teams in route to an 19-1 record as well as NJIT getting dominated in route to an 0-21 record. Other things have been a complete surprise like Baylor being 4-1 in the Big 12 and USC Upstate being a division 1 school. Who?

But expectations and surprises aside, its time to dish out the first annual CHAMPs, College Hoops Awards and Midseason Prizes. As Dicky V would say, these guys are PTPers, they are super, scintillating, sensational. Lets get to it before Dicky V has to have another throat surgery. What? Too soon?

(drum roll please)

Norris Divison award for "Worst Conference name change":
Winner: Summit Conference (formerly Mid Continent Conference). The league wanted to get rid of the mediocre connotation of the word "mid." So why not rename it the "Just Passing Thru Conference" since noone wants to stay in the conference anyway. Or possibly the "Lost Continent Conference"

Micky Mantle's Liver award for "best use of a body part in college basketball":
Winner: Wyoming and New Mexico. These two teams brawled under the basket in a Mountian West game this year. That is the about the only relevant thing that has come out of New Mexico
basketball since Reggie Theus starred in Hang Time.

Diaper Dandy award for "best freshman who should be playing in the NBA right now":
Winners: Tie between Eric Gordon and OJ Mayo. Actually, if you listen to the ESPN college hoops experts, it should be Gordon, Mayo, Derek Rose, Michael Beasley, Kevin Love, James Anderson, Jarryd Bayless, Johnny Flynn, Kyle Singler, Nick Calathes, DeAndre Jordan, Donte Green, and Anthony Randolph. As usual way to go out on a limb ESPN experts.

George W. Bush award for "Worst coached team by someone who has no business being in charge":
Winner: Sean Sutton. This award would normally go to Herm Edwards, Norv Turner, and Art Shell but since this is a college basketball column, the award goes to Sutton. Just because your dad coached forever, got drunk, and handed you the team doesnt mean you know how to coach. Just look at the Cowboys this year: 1-4 in the Big 12 right above basketball powerhouse Nebraska and tied with perennial Final Four contender Colorado.

Bob Knight Lifetime achievement Award for "Coach who is staying around just to stock pile wins":
Winner: Eddie Sutton. He goes from having the court named after him at the legendary Gallagher-Iba Arena at Oklahoma State to trying to win 2 games at the University of San Francisco. Once Bill Russell graduated, I thought they cancelled the program. Way to join a relevant team Sutton.

Gerry McNamara/Eric Devendorf Award for "best white guy who thinks he's black":
Winner: Kevin Love. Just check out the K Fed chinstrap beard. Enough said.

Brutus the Buckeye Mascot award for "best mascot":
Winner: Keggy the Keg (Dartmouth College). This unofficial replacement for the un-PC Indian has been pumping up crowds since the fall of 2003. Social!

TCU Horned Frogs award for "best nickname":
Winner: Scrotie (Rhode Island School of Design). You have to be kind of a dick to become the head cheerleader for the RISD hockey team, known as the Nads.

Arnold Schwarzenegger alongside Danny Devito in Twins award for "tallest, yet most awkward performance":
Winner: 7ft 7 inch, 360 pound Kenny George from UNC-Asheville. When the Bulldogs played the UNC Tar Heels, George made opposing center Tyler Hansbrough look like a kid from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. However, George was no Rick Moranis as Hansbrough put up 23 points and even dunked on the big fella.

Ryan Leaf award "for most over hyped player or team":
Winner: Ryan Leaf. He would always win this category no matter the sport. But in college basketball this year I'll give it to Southern Illinios. They were preseason ranked #24. Now they are 10-10 and sitting in 5Th place in the Missouri Valley. Indiana State is ahead of them and I challenge you to name one, just one, player on ISU since Larry Bird graduated in 1979. My point exactly.

Shaquille O'Neal free throwing award for "lack of ability to put the ball in the basket":
Winner: St. Louis Billikens. Rick Majerus' squad scored an even 20 points in an Atlantic 10 game against George Washington. Majerus eats more burgers in one sitting than the Billikens scored in the first half (That's 7 for everyone keeping track at home). Majerus is not to be outdone size wise by Kansas Football Coach Ralph Mangino. My guess is Mangino has gotten kicked out of a buffet once or forty seven times in his life.

SEC in football award for "best conference":
Winner: Pac 10. There are absolutely no easy games in that conference besides Oregon State. And by easy games, I mean cupcakes. And by cupcakes, I mean vanilla frosted. (Insert Mangino/cupcakes joke here and check out photo)
God Shamgod award for "best name":
1st Winner: Rider University - Willie Dingle. Why? because it's not polite to show your Willie Dingle in public.
2nd Winner: Elon University- Chris Porn. Why? because this guy knows all to well how to use his Willie Dingle.

No comments: