Friday, January 18, 2008

Cry Me a River. No, Not You Timberlake.

Today's edition of my my blog will devoted to the rules of crying in sports. Or as I like to call them, the Dick Vermeil's. Let get started.

Section 1, Articles I-V, No Crying Allowed:

I. You cannot cry before the game is over. We'll call this the Morrison Rule. Thanks to Adam and also to Derek Fischer this rule has to even be explained. Both cried before, that's right before, their teams got eliminated in the Sweet Sixteen and NBA playoffs, respectively.

II. Don't over cry. This encompasses Brett Favre and Dick Vermeil. Seriously, how many times are you guys going to cry? Lets call this one the Tears on Every Other Tuesday and Thursday but Excluding Weekends but Not During Interviews Rule.

III. Don't cry over playing time. Under no reason should any athlete cry over their lack of playing time. First off, you get paid too much money. You should be happy you are not flipping hamburgers at McDonald's making $7/hour. Second, if you are not good enough to garner minutes in the 4Th quarter or late innings, then stop crying and getting into the gym/field/diamond and practice to make yourself better. We shall call this the Andrei Kirilenko Rule.

IV. No crying during practice. If your coach makes you run 10 miles after eating 15 Big Macs while smoking a pack of Marlboro's, suck it up. I'm sure its just tough love from your coach.

V. Don't cry at a press conference where you are apologizing to your wife for cheating on her. If you even feel the need to call a press conference for this, you have a problem or your name is Kobe Bryant. Lets call this the Shaq's Revenge Rule.

Section 2, Paragraph 1, Crying from an Injury.

I. This one is tough because I would cry like a infant if a 300-pound defensive end even talked to me let alone tackled me. So I give athletes some leeway here. However, some athletes are tougher than others. Kevin Everett, Mike Utley, and a few other NFL Players have been paralyzed while playing. Did they cry? No. Shaun Livingston had his knee and leg break and become a souvenir for a kid in section 130. He held it together. Therefore, if you are a professional athlete, don't cry in public view. At least wait till the cart or stretcher drops you off in the trainers room.

Section 3, Row 2, Seat 3B, Tears of Joy.

I. Crying after you win a championship ala Michael Jordan. This is acceptable because the athlete worked so hard to get to the top of his profession. All the long hours spent perfecting his craft and it finally paid off in the form of a championship. Or in Jordan's case, crying because he realized his Robin, Scottie Pippen, would make him work extra tough to single handily win those next 5 titles.

II. Crying on the field after a family member died. I have nothing funny to say about this except what Brett Favre did the night after his father died was legendary. He torched the Raiders for 399 yards and four td's. Raider Nation even applauded him. Gosh, I feel like John Madden after that.

III. Crying after your team wins a game. Thomas Hill jumped about 15 feet in the air after Christian Laettner sunk a turnaround 15 footer to beat Kentucky in the 1992 NCAA Tournament. Hill also sported the ugliest crying face sports has ever seen.

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