Friday, January 25, 2008

Despite Rumors, NHL Insists it Still Exists

New York, NY - (Reuters) The National Hockey League is still in existence. In fact it plays games nightly between October and May. This may be news to even the most dedicated sports fan.

However, after the players strike cancelled the entire 2004 season, the remaining four fans swore off their beloved hobby. "Hockey has brought many great memories to me. Unfortunately, they stabbed me in the back in '04 worse than prescription pills did to Heath Ledger. What? Too Soon?" says longtime NY Islander fan Mike Palermo.

Despite what some fans may think, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman still believes hockey can be successful south of the Canadian border. "Hockey is the eleventh most popular sport in America right behind paper football and shuffleboard."

A recent poll in ESPN the Magazine revealed that 74% of fans could not name the more than 1 player on their local hockey team. An astounding 87% did not know who won the Stanley Cup last year. These disheartening poll results have bothered Bettman. "Hockey is a blue collar sport" he said "Not everyone is going to like it. But if only 13% of the country knows the San Jose Sharks won the Cup last year then something is wrong. Wait, scratch that. The Anaheim Ducks won. I mean the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. Wait, do they still go by that."

The New York Times recently conducted an investigation to shed some light on if in fact hockey games are still being played. The Times has found newspaper clippings with actual box scores and even a few pictures of a games between played between competing players holding sticks and fully equipped with pads and matching uniforms. In fact one team even had some players not shave to give them that tough grizzly looking playoff beard that we were all accustomed to in the 1980s.

In the Times investigation it was even revealed that the NHL will host an "All-Star Weekend complete with a skills competition." That is a very risky proposition considering most people don't even know that the NHL is televised. "After ESPN, NBC, FOX, CBS, and ABC turned us down, we settled for a contract with the VS. network. Yeah, I've never heard of it either." said a shameful Bettman. "At least we are on TV. That is more than can be said about collegiate wheelchair high jumping"

So despite all the rumors, hockey apparently still does exist.Take that collegiate wheelchair high jumping.

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