Thursday, January 24, 2008

Kobe Bryant has Surgery, Arrogance Removed

Los Angeles, CA - (AP News Wire) On Tuesday, Los Angeles Lakers SG Kobe Bryant had successful arthroscopic surgery to remove his arrogance. This never before attempted surgery came at the request of his fellow NBA players, all 437 of them.

The procedure was done at UCLA Medical Center by Dr. Robert Nelson, Chief of Surgery. "The procedure took an extremely long time since the arrogance in question had grown to a size we in the medical field had never seen before. It took over 23 hours and 3 surgeons to completely remove every aspect of Mr. Bryant's arrogance."

But the surgery came with some setbacks for the hospital staff. Head Nurse Amy Ward suffered a mild heart attack after watching Bryant get wheeled into the OR. Doctors think she must have caught a glimpse of that chilling 'I'm so much more superior than you' smirk right after Kobe drives baseline for his 56Th and 57Th points of the evening. Nelson said, "We've all seen that look ad nauseam when the Kobe's play the Knicks or any other team for that matter. When its 1 on 5 every night, Kobe is always smirking."

The surgery came just days after Bryant gave an interview with Sports Illustrated in which he told SI senior writer Marty Burns "I would never have any type of surgery. I don't need surgery. I am better than surgery. I could shoot 27 of 48 from floor against surgery every night of the week. I am so good that when I drop 70 points my friends then ask me for help in the stock market. I also speak fluent German which works wonders in the night clubs in LA. And did I mention I can act, write (of course only in third person), sing, and play the trumpet? You know - Kobe is the most talented person on this earth."

So where does this surgery leave Bryant? Lakers team doctor, Steve Lombardo, says Bryant will miss only 12 minutes of tonight's pregame shoot around because of his immune system's amazing ability to quickly recover like Bryant's ability to guard opposing guards.

Will Bryant be back to 100% by the start of tonight's game against the Clippers? "Mr. Bryant should show no adverse side effects from the surgery" said Nelson "The only thing that may be effected is his showboating skills as well as his cockiness. This may lead to boring post game interviews featuring played out cliches and actual affection for teammates."

Or, heaven forbid, maybe an actual assist or two during a game.

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