Thursday, February 28, 2008

Top 13 Favorite Fat Athletes

Welcome to Obese America, where more is never enough.

Along with our money, our greed, our power, and our corruption, we Americans like everything larger than life. It is no different when it comes to our sports heroes. For some reason we relate to our gluttonous brethren and love to see overweight athletes succeed.

The following athletes don't know the meaning of low-fat food. They succumb to the temptation of all-you-can-eat buffets on a weekly or nightly basis. They don't count calories just stomach rolls. They don't order smalls, they super size it. But don't worry, they always order a Diet Coke. And some of them are even more shapelier in the chest area than Lindsey Lohan. But most of the athletes are very much in shape. After all, round is a shape.

So get your Whopper and chili cheese fries. Grab some onion rings and cookies. Forget about a slice of cheesecake, take the whole damn thing. But be sure to do some exercise afterwards or you will end up looking like once of these guys:

13. Antonio Alfonseca - 34 inch waist, 64 inch gut. That belt is working harder than Alfonseca has worked his entire career.

12. John Kruk - Poor guy. First he sported a mullet, then he lost a testicle, now he is included on my fat guy list. At least you weren't blamed for losing the '93 World Series John.

11, 10, 9. Cecil Fielder. Cecil gets three spots on this list to hold him and his offspring Prince. The best part is when Cecil first broke into the Bigs, he was actually thin. Then, he was introduced to the post game spread. Who else noticed Cecil out of breath after getting to second on a ground ruled double?

8. Babe Ruth - The Sultan of Swat indulged in women, booze, and food. After all that he is still considered by many as the best baseball player of all time. And he accomplished all that while pushing three bills.

7. Charles Barkley - Quick, whats higher Charles Barkley's weight or his gambling debt?

6. Miguel Cabrera - Barry Bonds chose to get bigger using the juice. Miguel Cabrera prefers to use the double-quarter pounder with cheese.

All together Tigers fan, My Third Baseman is so fat (How fat is he)....

5. David Wells - Brings new meaning to the term hefty lefty. Any pitcher that can consume enormous quantities of beer and the pitch perfect games will make the list every time.

4. Shaquille O'Neal - Has anyone ever come to training camp more out of shape year in and year out?

3. Livan Hernandez - One more cheeseburger and he would have to be airlifted from the dugout to the mound to pitch every inning.

2. Phil Mickelson - Kramer and Frank Costanza co-invented the Bro. Phil Mickelson invented the Man Boobs while playing golf. Match made in heaven. Maybe one Sunday I won't have to look at Phil walking the 18th while his chest flops about like jello.

1. John Daly - Daly smokes, gambles and divorces woman like they are going out of style. But those unconventional old habits have not led to much success. I guess Daly's motto shouldn't be "fat is in and practice is out".

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