Tuesday, May 6, 2008

2028 Mock Draft

With the 2008 NFL Draft in the books and the "experts" done handing out grades (even though the players haven't stepped foot onto a field), I'm turning my attention to future NFL Drafts. Way in the future NFL Drafts. Like the one happening in 2028. Some of the projected picks are not born yet and others will be counted on to lead their franchises to the Promised Land. One thing is for sure though, the picks will definitely happen. You can take it to the bank (or to your bookie, but he may look at you a little strangely).

1. New England Patriots
Harry Belichick -- Harvard University
LB, Senior, 6-4, 257 lbs

**TRADE WITH MINNESOTA** In one of the most lopsided draft day trades of all-time, Patriots GM Tom Brady swaps a 4th and 5th round pick with Minnesota for the rights to the number 1 pick. The Patriots then select LB Harry Belichick, who football analysts call "quite, ominous with an uncanny knack for knowing which play is coming."

2. Detroit Lions
Test Tube 4291 -- University of Tennessee Medical Center
WR, Freshman, 6'8, 324 lbs

Currently has never played one down of organized football however, GM Matt Millen can not resist the urge to draft a WR with size and 3.91 40 yard dash time. The downside is this draftee is still in the In-Vitro Lab of the Nashville Fertilization Clinic. According to the secretary of the clinic, the father is Shawn Kemp and the mother is an a stripper from Memphis. Hence the final product has large hands and long legs built for speed.
Millen hopes this pick will redeem him with Lions fans who banned together to set Ford Field ablaze after another draft fiasco last year.

3. New York Jets
Chester Wellingtonham-Bedingtonford IV -- Oxford University
QB, Senior, 5'7, 159 lbs

Ever since the NFL started playing American football in London way back in 2006, the NFL has constantly tried to gain popularity in England. This draft pick is the latest example as the Jets take this British-signal caller who also happens to the heir apparent to the mighty Tillington Crumpets fortune. Jets fans will surely boo, but with Test Tube 4291 and Belichick already taken, a classical lit major is the obvious guy to make everyone instantly recall Chad Pennington.

4. Oakland Raiders
Jayden Agassi-Graf -- International Tennis Academy (Delray Beach, FL)
AP #1 Junior Singles, Sophomore, 6'2, 181 lbs

Al Davis desperately wants to win another Championship before he croaks. But with each and every passing day he is turning more and more into Mr. Burns. However, with Davis electing to not have a Smithers to assist him in the War Room, he again selects "the best player available." He passes on consensus number 1 pick Troy Johnson, instead selecting budding tennis star Jayden Agassi-Graf. When reached for comment Al Davis said, "No one will want to kiss me after this, eh, Smithers?"

5. Cincinnati Bengals
Bradley John Walker -- Kansas-Leavenworth
RB, 3rd Grade reading level, 6'5, 240 lbs

Marvin Lewis surprises no one with this pick selecting the player with the least character. The armed robbery charges against Walker impressed Lewis in showing his "superior escapeability and quick, elusive feet." Also impressing Lewis was Walker's breakaway speed and ability to not be caught from behind.
If Cincinnati did not select Walker, he was going to be transferred to San Quentin on premeditated murder charges.

6. Dallas Cowboys
Cara Farmer -- Arkansas Punt, Pass, & Kick
QB, 11 years old, 4'3, 87 lbs

With the recent retirement of Tony Romo, Dallas was in the market for a quarterback. Being that 51 of 52 players on the current Cowboys roster are graduates of Arkansas, Jerry Jones keeps with tradition selecting Arkansas Punt, Pass, & Kick winner Cara Farmer. When reached for comments, Farmer's parents said, "Cara throwing arm is so strong because of the thousands of cows utters she has yanked on."

7. Green Bay Packers
Brett Favre's brother's, wives's third nephew's son Samuel -- University of Southern Mississippi
QB, Junior, 6'1, 202 lbs

With the unfortunate explosion of a bbq pitt at last year's Favre Family Reunion in Kiln, MS, the only remaining Favre on the planet is Brett's brother's wives's third nephew's son Samuel. Seeking any traces of Favre's genes to bring them back to prominence, this is an easy pick for the Packer's front office.

8. Buffalo Bills
Typhoid Feverton -- University of Oregon
DE, Senior, 6'2, 302 lbs

**TRADE WITH MIAMI** Ignoring the eye-patch, wooden leg, and none ability to forge the river, Bills are enamored with Feverton's gutsy refusal to quit, which they find symbolic of the scrappy, struggling city in Western New York that the NFL has been steadily boxing and shipping to Toronto.
Miami inherits Buffalo's 3rd round pick which they turn into a bottle of moustache wax.

9. Seattle Seahawks
Derek "Cordon" Blue -- Culinary Institute of America
OT,Junior, 6'0, 371 lbs

With Mike Holmgren threatening to retire again following the upcoming 2028 season, he drafts this meaty OT simply to tickle his belly by whipping up 5 star pre, post, and during game spreads. With a double major in French Pastry Arts and Italian-American cuisine under his size 52 XXXXXL belt, Blue will become a regular Julia Child in the Seahawks locker room.

10. Houston Texans
Anthony Parker-Longoria -- University of Texas at San Antonio
OG, Senior, 5'11, 272 lbs

The Texans would have been thrilled with either Test Tube 4291 or the Punt, Pass & Kick Competition winner falling to them but no dice. Instead they had to settle for the 3rd player on their Big Board, Anthony Parker-Longoria. A-PL's stock has dropped lately after comments from his mom Eva stating, "Anthony takes the occasional flop to draw a penalty against the defensive lineman." With a grin from ear to ear, his father Tony politely declined to comment.

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