Friday, May 9, 2008

The "All-Stupid Names" Team

My friends know how much I hate Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Why? Because his name is stupid and it makes me mad…so, I am going to build the All-Stupid Names Team – and I will try my hardest to not add a “foreign” name, because I don’t want to make light of something that might be normal – sorry Kiko Calero. Also, they have to be on a roster – sorry Dylan Axelrod.

Pitcher: Rocky Cherry – Baltimore Orioles
Full Name: Rocky Ty Cherry
Career Stats: 1-1, 5.46 ERA in 31.1 IP

Not only is his name totally dumb, he is totally mediocre…but it isn’t about his numbers; it is about their names. His name: Rocky Cherry. This guy sounds like a stripper in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

Catcher: Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Texas Rangers
Full Name: Jarrod Scott Saltalamacchia
Career Stats: .262 AVG, 11 HR

This guy is my mortal enemy. Some may think his name rolls off the tongue; I say his name sounds like a fish dish on a menu at a crappy restaurant in South Texas. Also, his name doesn't fit on a jersey!!!

1st Base:
Josh Whitesell – Arizona Diamondbacks
Full Name: Joshua S. Whitesell
Career Stats: ZERO across the board

This guy should win an award for his dumb hat. Seriously, check it out. It was hard to find a 1st baseman with a dumb name, so I settled on a guy who sounds like a Labor Day “Blow-Out Extravaganza”.

2nd Base: Travis Denker – San Francisco Giants
Full Name: Travis Norton Denker
Career Stats: ZERO across the board

I almost gave it to him just because of his middle name: Norton? But he got it because of Denker. Good thing he played baseball or he could have ended up sitting at sum plush country club somewhere in middle-America. “Master Denker, your quiche is ready.”

3rd Base: Christian Colonel – N/A
Full Name: Christian Burkhardt Colonel
Career Stats: ZERO across the board

Okay, I know I said they had to be on a roster, but this “non-roster invitee” for the Rockies had too good of a name to pass up. Christian Colonel??!?!? I bet his family was really mad when he went in to baseball; I mean he has the perfect name for many other things: the papacy, the military, Rock ‘n Roll.

SS: Brian Bocock - San Francisco Giants
Full Name: Brian Bocock
Career Stats: .143 AVG, 0 HR

I am twelve. I giggle thinking about the Double Play: Bocock to Danker to Whitesell.

Skip Schumaker – St. Louis Cardinals
Full Name: Jared Michael Schumaker
Career Stats: .296 AVG, 5 HR

Anyone who spells his real first name: J-A-R-E-D and then calls himself “Skip” is able to make this list, anyone. I also would love to hear the story of how he got called Skip. His name was Jared and then got changed? I had nicknames as a kid, but I don’t use them as my name.

CF: Coco Crisp – Boston Red Sox
Full Name: Covelli Loyce Crisp
Career Stats: .281 AVG, 49 HR

I know this is passé, even overused, but his name is that of a cereal. Why go by Coco when you have so many other options? This makes the list no matter what. You can deal with it.

RF: Vince Sinisi – N/A
Full Name: Vincent James Sinisi
Career Stats: ZERO across the board

“Non-roster invitee” for the Padres. I’m sure he is good…and probably has “connections” so I will not say anything. I am sure he is a very nice fella.

My Honorable Mentions:
These are based SOLELY on the name…not on where they are from.

Dallas Buck (P-AZ), Nick Noonan (2B-SF), Antonio Bastardo (P-PHI) and Wilmer Font (P-TEX).

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